Life in Mascara: David Sedaris Live in San Antonio

Friday, November 14, 2014

David Sedaris Live in San Antonio


this weekend i was given a wonderful gift by boyfriend, tickets to see my favorite author David Sedaris. if you are not familiar with his work, you need to come out from the rock which you have been living under and run to get his books. all of them. i can't pick a favorite because they are all equally just freaking awesome. he writes about his travels with his husband, Hugh, and life with his family. i basically feel like i know them all personally and incorporate them into my conversations on a first name basis.

i first started reading his books about 5 years ago. i would read them during lunch in my car. he is the kind of author who evokes that gut wrenching laughter out of you that rivals the mating call of a goose. many times i looked up and noticed people walking by or in the car next to me staring. at which point i would lift up my book, point at it, and mouth the words 'so good' at them. they would then walk or drive off. 

if you follow me on twitter (@lifeinmascara) you will know that i had surgery on my right toe on Wednesday and it has been beyond painful. so painful in fact that it should win an award of you ultra freaking suck. walking has been so difficult and tiring. boyfriend even splurged for valet parking for me. i have never been more thankful. 

now i wouldn't say i am vein, but i like to look presentable when i go out, especially when i am going out to an event where i know the artful and cultured crowd will be. yes, i have been accused of overdressing at times, but it is my clothes. i pay for them. i choose how i want to dress. thanks. so off i go in my nice navy blue dress, with my new foundation (Ulta haul coming soon), and my flip flops. good Lord! but they are the only thing i can wear that doesn't hurt my toe.

being there and seeing him read live to me (well the entire auditorium but whatever) was so surreal. the way he writes, it is just so wrong, it is just so right. it is all the taboo things we are taught not to think, least say out loud. he thinks it. he writes it. he publishes it. we flock to it. we pay money to read it. i have never been to any event by myself and i must say it was rather liberating. i laughed like a dying hyena and i had no care in the world to embarrass anyone i was with because the people next to me were strangers never to be seen again. 

i limped out of there still laughing at his reading and walked over to the valet man and handed him my ticket. he apparently felt the need to make small talk with me as they brought my car. he then asks about my toe and was quick to judge 'oh, you have an ingrown toenail?'. i really wanted to tell him it wasn't my fault. that i bathe on a regular basis. that i am clean. you know there i was in my nice clothes, my nice purse, pretending to be this high class cultured woman, fancy if you will, at least for a few hours to feel better about my disgusting toe and this guy was calling my bluff. thankfully my car pulled up. with an air of dignity i stretched out my giraffe like neck, hiked up my dress as though it were a ball gown and not tea length at best, and limped towards my car. and that's when i saw it. the swifter. yes ladies and gentleman, during my move over 3 weeks ago i threw in my swifter in my back seat as an after thought and there it still way in all its green glory. i limped faster and took over my car. quickly i put it into drive only to realize i needed to do a u-turn in front of them and drive back towards the freeway. the swifter and i made it home. the swifter is still in my car. 

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