Life in Mascara: Special Saturday: Have I Forgiven You? Have I Forgiven Myself?

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Special Saturday: Have I Forgiven You? Have I Forgiven Myself?

I am not proud of the fact that I can be a very angry person. It happens so quick that by the time I notice I am in a foul mood and have been plotting the person I am mad at stepping on a Lego. Again not proud but I am very good at shutting people out. Trust me, it is safer for you this way. Or so I believe. If left alone, I can work through my anger myself and move on with some point. But it is when we struggle to let go that things can get a bit dark.

Harboring anger and resentment for years for someone who caused me a lot of pain both physical and emotional took its toll on me. Everything that could possibly remind me of this person could cause an instant change in my mood and that dark thunderous cloud would come and hover over me. Painful ugly memories are so good at being hot pokers in the fire. I just wanted to move on. I just wanted to forget. But you really can't until you forgive can you? And a few years back, I still couldn't forgive.

During one my my sisters visits she told me she too holds on to old anger, sometimes not even remembering what the root issue was. I apologized to her if any of her anger was cause by something I did or said. She in turn reminded me of something so sweet that I had forgotten. My sister and I, like many out there, fought. We have a 6 year age difference so I am sure she didn't want a baby hanging around her. But when we fought we each would go into our rooms and close the door. As we calmed down we would write "I'm sorry" letters to each other laden with stickers and colorful jelly pens. We would slide it under each others closed doors until we could calm down and come out. I can't believe I had forgotten that but as she told me I could see a little me taking out my Lisa Frank sticker box and going to town on her letter.

When I looked at my particular situation at that point I really had to think did I honestly still care to be mad? Or was I just carrying it with me because that is how it had been for so long? I looked at the alternative. I could forgive and soon learn to forget. And in this I learned that what was actually next was learning to forgive myself. In this I do not necessarily mean that I brought on those many incidents of hurt, not at all. I know now that I did not. But I made the choice to get angry. I made the choice to hurt back. And I made the choice to let it bother me for so many years. I allowed myself to hurt my own heart. I took a deep breath and literally pulled my hair. It was so much for me and so frustrating to realize how much power our own minds have over us. I was ready to forgive, forgive again, and move on. And here I am, still moving, still looking forward. 

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